Dear reader, this is the first article about how Ayurveda explains why your partner never or rarely wants sex when you do! I guarantee you that after reading this you will understand yourself and your partner much better!
Ayurveda
Ayurveda is a Sanskrit word which means the science of life. And a very profound science and the oldest of all sciences it is indeed! It has no beginning and no end, hence no one knows exactly when it came to existence. We know only that it has existed for more than 5,000 years – and longer every day as time flies. It originates in India, but does not belong to the Indians. Ayurveda is for everyone in every country and its mission is to heal the world. It heals if used well, for it is a medical system. But it is not only a medical system. It incorporates quantum physics, philosophy, psychology, and much more. And of course, Ayurveda – the science of life – incorporates sex! More will become clear as you read on.
Ayurveda teaches that the human body consists of three fundamental categories: doshas (subtle elements), dhatus (plasma, blood, muscles, fat, bones, bone marrow, reproductive fluids) and malas (faeces, urine, sweat).
The doshas and the elements
The dhatus and malas are not relevant for the topic of this article. Like everything else, the doshas (literal translation is faults) comprise the five basic elements. And different elementspredominate in different doshas. Every person has the three doshas. And their proportion forms the genetic makeup – the physical constitution – of every person. The first dosha is vata, composed of space and air. The second dosha is pitta, composed of fire and water. And the third dosha is kapha, composed of water and earth. This information will be useful later.
As Sanskrit is a profound language and the English language is not sufficient for accurately translating words from Sanskrit, the names of the doshas are difficult to translate into western terms. The closest translation of vata is the bodily air – the principle of movement – that which moves everything in the body. But the air in the external atmosphere is not the same as the air in the body. Vata is the subtle energy that governs all movement in and of the body.
Pitta is translated as fire, although the term does not mean the fire of a candle or in a fireplace. It is the digestive fire, the bodily heat energy which manifests as metabolism. Pitta governs digestion, absorption, assimilation, nutrition, metabolism, temperature, skin coloration, the lustre of the eyes, intelligence, and understanding. Pitta out of balance arouses anger, hatred, fierce competition, and jealousy.
The translation of kapha is biological water. Water is the main constituent of kapha, therefore kapha governs everything liquid in the body and more. However, as kapha also has earth predominant, kapha holds all the elements of the body together, gives physical structure, and maintains resistance. Kapha is also responsible for attachment, greed, longstanding envy, calmness, forgiveness and love.
A balance among the doshas is necessary for health. The air principle kindles the bodily fire, but water is necessary to control the fire so that the fire does not burn everything. Vata moves kapha and pitta since kapha and pitta are immobile.
The attributes of the doshas
To understand why your partner does not want sex when you do we must know the attributes – qualities – of the doshas. So the attributes of vata are light, clear, cold, mobile, dry, rough, subtle. Imagine cold air flying out of a bottle and you will know the attributes of vata. Pitta is oily, light, hot, sharp, mobile = spreading, smelling badly, liquid. Imagine bile and you’ll know the attributes of pitta. Kapha is heavy, cold, oily, sticky, dull, soft, firm. Imagine mud and you’ll know the attributes of kapha.
Of course, the attributes also manifest in the psychological and emotional sphere. And this is the bridge to the topic of this article. So since vata is like cold air out of a bottle, vata people want to fly – without direction. They’re often creative. Indeed, many artists are vata. And due to the subtle attribute of vata they’re immensely happy cheerful folks when they are balanced. The light and mobile qualities of vata make them want to fly from thing to thing – and from relationship to relationship! They’re therefore quick to start and just as quick to finish things and relationships if they have the direction to finish them at all! Their speaking and acting can be immensely chaotic as one cannot tell air which way to fly!
Imbalanced vata is insecure, afraid, anxious, often low on confidence. Vata people therefore often stay in relationships out of fear of being alone even if they don’t want to be in them if they don’t have the confidence to finish them. Hence vata people either finish relationships quickly as they get bored easily or bottle feelings up and stay in relationships out of fear even if they don’t want to be in them. They are also unfortunately often misunderstood by society as the western society is set up by and for pitta people.
The western society is set up by and for pitta people. Hence life has an order and everything has a place and time. The sharp quality of pitta makes pitta people’s minds sharp, which lands them in high and leading positions at work. Most world and spiritual leaders are and were pitta. Pitta people are direct, don’t waste words, and mean their words. The hot quality of pitta makes pitta people’s tempers flare quickly. It is easy for them to get angry, especially when they are imbalanced. Pitta people don’t suffer fools gladly and forgive, but never forget. The mobile – spreading – quality of pitta makes pitta people competitive and eager to spread their fame, be the best, be respected and recognised, and leave their mark or legacy.
The badly smelling quality of pitta perhaps or certainly unconsciously is why pitta people love perfumes and all things smelling greatly. They often have a lot of perfumes and like their clean organised homes to smell great as well. The predominant elements of pitta are fire and water. Fire is connected to vision, water is connected to taste. Pitta people are therefore highly visual and thus like food, homes, clothes, things nicely presented. They often seek luxury and do well in luxurious environments.
Imbalanced pitta is highly flammable, angry, hating, jealous. Imbalanced pitta people are also often arrogant, competitive through dead bodies, and domineering.
If you imagine a person who is heavy, cold, oily, sticky, dull, soft, firm, the fact that kapha people are set in their ways won’t surprise you. They act slowly, and that can be very dull for people who want to fly or get results! Kapha people live in and love with the whole hearts. They care, share, and act with soft smiles. They’re definitely down to earth and earthy. After all, one of the predominant elements of kapha is earth!
An imbalanced kapha is extremely attached to things, wealth, and people. Attachment can grow to greed. And longstanding envy is another negative trait of kapha.
How Ayurveda explains different preferences for sex
The light and mobile attributes of vata make people of this dosha have high sex drive and want sex quickly and immediately as the urge for it arises. When they have it, it lasts short. Vata men most often ejaculate much more quickly than they’d like and then feel that after ejaculation there’s nothing else to give in the act of intimacy. The physical need is satisfied. And premature ejaculating often brings insecurity and fear of not being good enough for their partners. Hence they’re as quick with the act of sex as they are with everything else in life at large.
We now know that pitta people like order, fare well in a routine, and everything has a place and time. So does sex. Pitta people like to have sex by appointment as they are busy with their often high or leading positions at work and high lives – often in luxurious dimensions! Pitta people are highly visual and therefore like order, cleanliness, colour coordination, and presentation that pleases the eyes. This is where their desire for preparing the right atmosphere for sex comes from. Candlelight, rose petals on the neat bed, the right type of music, and a nice scent in the air is a matter of course. A nice meal with some wine and then a bath or shower and perfumes are part of the preparatory ritual for sex.
Kapha people already live in and with their hearts. Hence they welcome, but don’t need a luxurious atmosphere for sex. Albeit they have very high sex drive, their slow heavy attributes don’t pull them to start sex. In fact, to get many kapha people to make love can be a challenge even though their high sex drive makes this a total paradox. But once you manage to get them into the mood, they’re immensely attentive lovers. And the high sex drive will finally be clear to you when they show you how they can keep going while you’re exhausted after the best orgasm of your life!
How Ayurveda explains why your partner doesn’t always want sex when you do
Now this should be clearer. Vata people – air out of a bottle – are quick. To sail through a pitta partner’s conditions and preparatory ceremony for sex bores and confuses them. Pitta people like to enjoy sex in style. Style has conditions and takes preparation. Vata partners do not have patience for that. And pitta people will rarely yield an inch from their principles! While pitta people prepare for sex, kapha partners fall asleep! When everything is ready, pitta partners must wake kapha partners up and warm them up into the mood! Vata people are too quick for kapha partners. Kapha partners are too slow for vata partners.
So what to do? Well, you have done the first thing. You can now hopefully guess whether your partner is vata, pitta, or kapha and which type you are. And you now understand the dynamic between you and your partner. When we understand, we have a choice to act. We can get our partners involved in the preparations for sex. One lights the candles, the other makes the bed… When both partners work together, the anticipation rises. Vata people will be too busy to think about quickly satisfying the urge. Kapha people will be too busy to fall asleep. Pitta people will get the style. Everyone will be happy.
By the way, if you cannot guess which type you are, contact me. I will give you a chart according to which you will determine your constitution. And when you know how to determine your constitution = type, you will be able to determine anyone’s. I’m always here for you – the men of the world. And I’ll write about Ayurveda and matters of sex more as I learn more.
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